“HOG” AND “BACON.”
Once going the Northern Circuit as judge, before he had the Great Seal, Sir Nicholas Bacon was about to pass sentence on a thief convicted before him, when the prisoner, after various pleas had been overruled, asked for mercy on account of kindred.
- “Prithee,” said Judge Bacon, “how comes this about?”
- “Why, if it please you, my lord, your name is Bacon, and mine is Hog, and in all ages Hog and Bacon have been so near kindred that they are not to be separated.”
- “Ay, but,” replied the judge, “you and I cannot be kindred except you be hanged, for Hog is not Bacon until it be well hanged.”
“How much corn can a man eat?” asked A, while the cobs on his plate lay in tiers.
“I would say,” answered Z, as he glanced at the heap, “it depends on the length of his ears.”
Surely at most restaurants the term waiters should be transferred from the table attendant to the guests on whom they attend.
Why is a badly-conducted hotel like a fiddle?
Answer: Because it’s a vile inn.
A friend who dines at the different restaurants announces the discovery that in these places tender meat is always rare.
CARVING AT THE TABLE
A man asked another, whom he was about to help with some chicken, whether he wished the leg, the breast, or the wing, “It is a matter of perfect indifference to me,” said the other. “And infinitely more so to me,” replied the carver, laying down the knife and fork, and resuming his own dinner.
HUNGER AS A LIFE SAVER
A Man having lunch at a chic New York Hotel with a vigorous thrust stuck a large three-pronged dining fork into his own mouth. He was not materially injured, there being a piece of cold roast lamb on the end of the weapon.
The new teacher asked the following question to the class:
“John had five oranges. James gave him eleven and he gave Peter seven. How many did he have left?”
The entire class recoiled upon hearing the teacher’s question.
“Excuse me, sir, ” said a young boy, “but we always does our sums in apples.”
– “Why is it,” asked a curious guest, “that poor men usually give larger tips than rich men?”
– “Very simple,” said the waiter, “the poor man doesn’t want anybody to find out he’s poor, and the rich man doesn’t want anybody to find out he’s rich.”
What did the strawberry say to the other strawberry?
Answer: Look at the JAM you’ve gotten us into!
A GRAPHIC EXPLANATION
Alexander Dumas happened to be in Switzerland at a roadside inn, where German alone was spoken, and he did all he could to impart to the master of the establishment that he wished to have some mushrooms. Finding that he could not make himself understood by language, he took up a piece of charcoal, and traced on the wall a likeness of the article which he wanted. The innkeeper, on seeing the representation, seemed quite pleased, and gave unmistakable signs of believing he comprehended. “At last!” exclaimed Dumas, “and not without difficulty! It is well, anyhow, to be a man of invention, or otherwise I shouldn’t have got my dish of mushrooms. Here comes the host; I hear him returning.” And so he did, holding in his hand — an umbrella!
A WITTY IRISHMAN
Way back in the 18th century, three men, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman were found guilty of murder, and sentenced to be hanged. The judge told them they might each choose the tree on which they would like to suffer capital punishment.
The Scotchman promptly chose an ash-tree, and the Englishman an oak-tree.
”Well, Pat, what will you be hanged on?” asked the judge.
”If it pleases your Honour, I’d rather be hanged on a gooseberry bush.”
”Oh!” said the judge, “that is not big enough.”
”Then,” replied Pat, “I’ll wait till it is grown up.”
Appropriate answers when a customer complains “There is a fly in my soup.”
- Ssh! Everybody will want one!
- What do you expect for a dollar – elephants?
- Wait until you see the coffee.
- That’s all right. How much can a fly drink?
- Force of habit, Sir, Our chef used to be a tailor.
Why should no man starve on the deserts of Arabia?
Because of the sand which is there.
How did the sandwiches get there?
The tribe of Ham was bred there, and mustered.
The milk of human kindness is not to be found in the pail of society. If it were to be found there, it would be a good idea for all hands to kick the bucket.
DON’T BREAK IN THE EGGS IN THE BASKET
- “Mother, is there any harm in breaking egg shells?”
- “Certainly not, my dear, but why do you ask?”
- “Cause I’ve just dropped the basket and the kitchen floor is yellow with yolk.”
INTELLECT VERSUS CRETIN
A stupid person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures of the table, said, “So, sir, philosophers, I see, can indulge in the greatest delicacies.”—”Why not,” replied the other, “do you think Providence intended all the good things for fools?”
“He Dined late and Died early.”
FOR LACK OF FOOD
When some one said of a gentleman, “Don’t speak so hard of him, he lives on your good graces,” Lady Ashburton remarked, “That accounts for him being so thin.”
PICKLE AND SALTER
Hicks was in Court at Bodmin Assizes, when a Mr Bickle was tried for a breach of promise of marriage to a Miss Salter. A certain eminent counsel who was engaged in the suit, threw across the table to Hicks these lines on a slip of paper—
”Oh! Mr Bickle
You’re in a pickle
For being fickle!”
Hicks threw back the paper with this answer—
”Tis true he did falter
In going to the altar,
But he’s not in a pickle,
For he did not get Salter.”
Having been caught stealing fruit in the King’s orchard, two thieves were brought before the King, who readily asked the first of the two:
- “What did you steal?”
- “Cherries, your highness.”
- “Very well, as punishment you shall have all the cherries you stole inserted into your
anus, one by one.”
Upon hearing the sentence, the second thief burst into laughter. The King immediately order him to stop laughing and asked:
- “Why were you laughing?”
- “Your highness, I stole watermelons.”
BARRING THE BEEF
A man asked another man to come and dine off boiled beef and potatoes with him. “That I will,” says the other; “and it’s rather odd it should be exactly the same dinner I had at home for myself, barring the beef.”
Falconnet, a very celebrated doctor, was called on by a patient who imagined herself ill. She told him that she ate well, drank and slept well, but “I see,” said the wily physician;
“I am going to give you a prescription that will rid you of all these ills.”
“Garçon, your turbot is not so good as last Sunday.”
“Oh! Monsieur; how can you say so; it is the same one!”
At the same restaurant, the waiter brings a plate of fish to a customer, and at the same time a chop to another at the table in front.
First customer: “See here, Garçon, your fish smells.”
The waiter: “Beg your pardon, sir, it is the gentleman’s chop!”
At a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host, “Mr. ——!” There was silence. “Mr. ——, what is the proper female companion of this John Dory?*” After the usual number of guesses an answer came, “Anne Chovy.”
* John Dory, also known as St Pierre or Peter’s Fish, refers to fish of the genus Zeus, especially Zeus faber, of widespread distribution. It is an edible benthic coastal marine fish with a laterally compressed olive-yellow body which has a large dark spot, and long spines on the dorsal fin.
At the table of a gentleman living in the Chaussee-d’Antin was served up an Aries sausage of an enormous size. —”Will you accept a slice?” the host asked a lady who was sitting next him; “you see it has come from the right factory.”
—” It is really very large,” said the lady, casting on it a roguish glance; “what a pity it is unlike anything.”
Little Jeanne was at lunch. There were two cakes on the plate. She had already disposed of one, and was making ready to finish the second, when her little brother stopped her, saying:
— “You know, there is one for me.” Jeanne hesitated a moment, then exclaimed:
— “How sorry I am; I began with yours.”
At a provincial table d’hote the maid brought the soup; one of the habitues, finding some of the cook’s hair on his plate, turned to the hotelkeeper and cried out:
— “If I were you, I would have the hair served on a separate plate. Those that care for it might then help themselves.”
“You know, Johnny, you cannot have your cake and eat it too.”
“But, mother, how can I eat it unless I have it?”
— “You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose he weighs?”
— “I don’t know, what does he weigh?”
A millionaire who had lost his appetite through satiety and indulgence, once met a poor man who said to him: “Sir, I’m dying of hunger.”
“You lucky scoundrel,” was the millionaire’s reply.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
Answer: “You expect me to get hard in five minutes when I got laid an hour ago!”
Mr. Andrew took his boy to a restaurant last week to get a bowl of soup. Brenden began to eat it, and he grabbed his father by the coat and said, “papa, there’s fly in the soup.” Papa said, “eat the soup and wait till you come down to the fly, tell the waiter and he’ll give you another bowl for nothing.”
Bread And Butter
A good mother was careful to have her little boy repeat every night before retiring, the Lord’s prayer. Several times she noticed that the child made a stop, and muttered to himself, after the words: “Give us this day our daily bread.” So, one night when the usual pause was made, she said: “Why, dear, do you stop in your prayer?” “Well, mother, I just asked the Lord to put a little butter on the bread!”
CHEESE AND DESSERT
Two city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer’s wife, and the other a cheesemonger’s, when they had risen up and took their departure, the cheesemonger’s wife was going out of the room first, upon which the grocer’s lady, pulling her back by the tail of her jacket, and stepping before her, said: “No, madam, nothing comes after cheese.”
FRENCH ORGANIC MILK
A milk dealer of the suburbs of Paris brought to a lady customer, the usual morning can. Looking into it the lady was annoyed to find nothing but water. “It is water you have given me,” she cried. The milkman stopped to verify the fact, and remarked coolly: “Oh! my! they forgot to put the milk in it.”
ITALIAN EXTRAMARITAL PASTA
Once upon a time, somewhere in the middle of Rome, a prominent lawyer was having a secret affair with his secretary. One day the secretary announced that she was pregnant. The lawyer explained that being a married man with a successful law firm he couldn’t possible afford a scandal. He added that the best way out was for the secretary to leave town. He would then support financially both the secretary and the newborn. He told the secretary that she should send him a postcard the day the baby was born. In order no to raise suspicion, she should write the word “spaghetti” on the postcard.
A few months went by. One fine day the lawyer receives at his home a postcard from the secretary. The lawyer reads the postcard, feels terribly sick, and falls to the ground. Immediately, the lawyer’s wife calls the doctor, who inquires about the possible reasons for the illness. The lawyer’s wife explains that her husband fell sick after reading a postcard. She hands the postcard to the doctor. The postcard read:
“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, three with meatballs and sausage, and two with clams.”
At a fancy restaurant a businessman is brought a whole broiled lobster minus one claw. The businessman calls over the waiter and says:
— “What do you mean by serving me with a mutilated lobster?”
— “Excuse me, but ah didn’t think you’d mind a little thing like dat. These lobsters got to fighting in the basket and this one lost his claw,” said the waiter.
— “Take this lobster out immediately,” replied the businessman, “and bring me the winner!”
FROM SOLE TO UPPER
”What is this tough rubbery stuff?” the diner asked, when the second course of the dinner was served.
”That’s a filet of sole, sir,” replied the waiter.
”Take it away,” said the diner, after attacking it with a fork, “and see if you can’t get me a nice tender piece of the upper… without laces.”
A prankster farmer played a trick on one of his chickens. Surreptitiously, he stole one of the chicken’s eggs, painted it in different colors, and put it back underneath the chicken. The chicken didn’t seem to mind. She sat on the painted egg as if nothing had happened. The farmer shrugged and walked away. A little while later, the farmer saw commotion on a far corner of the chicken coop. It was the rooster beating up the peacock.