BEER DRINKER
Why does a beer-drinker resemble an invalid?
Answer: Because he is so frequently ale-ing.
BOOZER EPITAPH
The Liquor he drank, being too much for one,
He could not carry off, so he’s now carrion.
carrion: the decaying flesh of dead animals.
BOOZER’S CONUNDRUM
An old boozer addessed his bottle this way: “No wonder you and I stand on opposite sides: you are full when I am dry and dry when I am full.”
HALLOWEEN
Intending to go to a Halloween party, a known boozer asked his wife for advise on what kind of disguise he should use for the party. He received the following answer:
“Go there sober, I’m sure none of your friends will know you.”
BEER
It was the late learned John Smith, or if not Smith, it may have been Brown, who said that—Beer was not beer when it was a little tart, nor sweet when it was sour. Beer— continues our learned author S. or B., as the case may be—is like a modern comedy in five acts when it is flat; a fish that’s long out of water when it is stale; and, unprofitable when it runs to waste. It’s like a promising youth when it’s sharp; is esteemed clever when it has a good head; and may be called upon to deliver messages when it is porter; and, likely to cause a general mourning when it is dead. It will dance when it is hoppy; and be fully occupied when it is working. It is not to be found when it has gone off; is like a very cold morning when it is bitter, or your mother-in-law when it is old and bitter too; gentle when mild, rampant when strong, but half-and-half when married, and weak when single. It is like a truck when it’s drawn, and considered to be out of bed when it’s up, and down when it’s drunk; gone when swallowed, and like the National Debt when not paid for.
SPIRITUAL
A Prankster decides—
That whiskey is the key by which many gain an entrance into our prisons and almshouses.
That brandy brands the noses of all who cannot govern their appetites.
That wine causes many a man to take a winding way home.
That punch is the cause of many unfriendly punches.
That ale causes many ailings, while beer brings many to the bier.
That champagne is the source of many a real pain.
That gin-slings have “slewed” more than the slings of old.
That the reputation of being fond of cock-tails is not a feather in any man’s cap.
That the money spent for port that is supplied by portly gents would support many a poor family.
That porter is a weak supporter for those who are weak in body.
ANAGRAMMATIC
The following sentence is said to be taken from a volume of sermons published during the reign of James I.:—
This dial shows that we must die all; yet notwithstanding, all houses are turned into ale houses; our cares into cates*; our paradise into a pair o’ dice; matrimony into a matter of money, and marriage into a merry age; our divines have become dry vines: it was not so in the days of Noah,—ah! no.
*cate: (usu. cates) archaic, a choice food; a delicacy.
COFFEE
May your coffee and slanders against you be ever the same – without grounds.
MORE COFFEE
Coffeyville, Kansas, was known not so many years ago as a town of strong men and weak beverages. An eastern traveller who happened to be in the place during its pioneer hotel days, astonished the proprietor of the “Eagle House” there by the number of cups of coffee he consumed at one sitting.
”You seem to be very fond of coffee,” remarked the proprietor as he set the fifth cup of the beverage before his guest.
”Only fairly so,” replied the traveler gravely. “I never take more than one cup of it for breakfast. I am still in hopes of obtaining that quantity before I finish my meal. Will you kindly permit me to have a couple of more cups of your preparation.”
OLD TIME MASCULINE HABITS
A lady made her husband a present of a silver drinking-cup with an angel at the bottom, and when she filled it for him he used to drain it to the bottom, and she asked him why he drank every drop. “Because, ducky,” he said, “I long to see the dear little angel.” Upon which she had the angel taken out, and had a devil engraved at the bottom, and he drank it off just the same, and she again asked him the reason. “Why, ” replied he, “because I won’t leave the old devil a drop.”
IN LIQUOR VERITAS
A drunkard approaches a young lady and says:
— ” Has anyone told you that you’re really ugly?”
— “Has anyone told you that you’re a dirty drunkard?” replies the young lady.
— “The difference between me and you is that tomorrow I’ll be sober and you will stay ugly.” interjects the drunkard.
AT THE BALL
— “Won’t you have a glass of champagne to take with the cake?”
— “No, thanks, Champagne is too strong for me.”
— “It’s not so strong as whiskey.”
— “You’re wrong. Champagne is so strong that it forces the cork out of the bottle. I don’t mind taking a little whiskey, but no champagne for me. I can’t stand strong drink.”
Bear And Bruin
Tom Hood , seeing over the shop-door of a beer-vendor, —
Bear Sold Here,
said it was spelled right, because it was his own Bruin.
